Leap High

A long, long time ago I was a ballerina. Nothing professional, but I loved it and I was decent at it, and every time I would get home from class my Dad would ask me the same question-
"Did you leap high?"

NOT ME doing a Grande jete. This is my
favorite Carolina Ballet Principal ballerina
Margaret Severin-Hansen,
an actual professional doing a proper leap. :) 

Grande jetes (big leaps) were my very favorite. Hurling myself into the air (gracefully of course) was easy for me. I remember doing it with total abandon yet a good bit of control. My ballet teacher even made me the donkey in Carnival of the Animals because the donkey's dance was basically just insane hopping all over the stage. When I got my driver's license my Mom and I secretly ordered a vanity plate for my car that said LEAPHIGH and surprised my dad with it. Now that I have kids I realize it was mostly for all of their friends to be able to keep tabs on me around town, but still, it was special and I had it for years.

At my wedding, my Dad walked me down the aisle. When it was time to officially "give me away" he whispered in my ear, "Leap high." It was exactly the right thing to say.


Years later, that careless sense of leaping has been replaced by complete fear of the unknown, of where I may land if I were to jump, of falling when I hit the ground. Adulthood and motherhood have broken me down and have brought my anxiety to the forefront of a lot of decisions, because safety and security just make more sense when you have three kids.

However, when my Nana died a year and a half ago, my world seemed to fall apart and a lot has changed inside of me since then. I don't think I fully grasped what it would be like not to have her in my life after 34 years. I was very depressed, struggling every day to get it together. Slowly I began to question a lot of things in my life. I thought more about what made me the way I was, what I wanted to improve on, how deeply my sense of self worth was broken and why that was, not having experienced anything that could lead to that. Working through a lot of these issues sort of rocked my world. I started to become angry at myself for being so scared all the time. Scared of failure, scared of what other people think of me. I don't want my girls to live with that fear, but if I am their example, how can they not pick up on it?

So, that brings me to the here and now. After almost a year of soul searching, prayer, agony, fear, tears, hope, and more agony, I am leaping. I am taking a big jump for the first time in a long time into the unknown. I am leaving a job that I have had for 10 years and I am going out on my own. I am leaving a place that gave me my first job out of PT school, with a boss who taught me how to be a good PT and allowed me to pursue my dreams of practicing pelvic health. Leaving the place that let me have three babies and work when I could, always giving me support and never judging me for choosing motherhood as my top priority. A place where I could decorate my room with plants and pictures and even a pretty little needlepoint vulva that my best friend gave me for Christmas. (Sidenote: That's true love right there by the way. Stitching your friend a pretty vulva for her clinic room = love.)

I am walking away from Advanced Physical Therapy Solutions and leaping headfirst into what I am calling Fayetteville Pelvic Health. I don't know exactly what it's going to look like yet. I am not sure how it will evolve. I know that I want to continue to serve men and women of my beloved hometown, but I want to do it in a way that looks a little different from the traditional model. I am working a lot of the details out now. There is still a lot up in the air, lots that makes me anxious, but I'm not letting myself live in fear of the unknown anymore. I may fail. I may fall. I will most definitely have some stumbles, but if I don't try I'll never know what I'm capable of. Everyone at APTS has been incredible, supportive, excited for me. In some ways it makes it harder to step away. These people are the cream of the crop. Literally the best PTs around, hands down. Incredibly smart, outside of the box thinkers who never settle for mediocre and are always learning. It's truly a dream job working with such highly skilled therapists. It certainly made me a better PT every day that I came to work and learned from my colleagues. It's going to be lonely and scary not having them to help me, but I want my kids to watch me leap and watch me stumble and then watch me get back up to accomplish something that is on my heart. I want them to know that sometimes doing the scarier thing is okay and that failure does not define them, or me. Perfectionism has kept me living in my safe zone all my life, and I'm sick of it. I am not perfect and I don't have to be.

So here I go. I'm leaping I hope I still have just enough grace to land on my feet. But I am realizing that even if I fall, I'll be okay. I can get up and keep dancing.

Stay tuned for more information on Fayetteville Pelvic Health - coming soon in May!!